Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Found the puke drawer
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
