no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Couch. On fire.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
