My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
