You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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