Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
please come you make the beer taste better
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
