The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We had to coat check the pizza.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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