it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
