so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
