My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think people are normalizing furries
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
