nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
