yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
