The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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