I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
