Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
