i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
