I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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