my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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