I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
