i don't like sucking hair
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Randomize
