we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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