community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
