mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
