the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
