Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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