I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
