i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
