mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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