birth control should be required to get into college
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
