I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
