Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
