Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
