Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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