An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
