I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
