I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
