my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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