An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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