Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
