well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
