i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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