Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
