i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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