Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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