So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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