i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
