Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
