I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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