Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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