he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am naked and annoyed.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
