I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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