Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
