you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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