Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
