I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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