i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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