I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
