dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize