My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
