his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
