he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize