Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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