Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
