Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
