I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize