So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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