i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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