Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
