can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize