3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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